I’ve recently gone back to finding a therapist. It’s not necessarily the thing one should stop doing when dealing with major depressive disorder, but a person can only take the frustration of finding the right therapist for so long before they give up for a while. With the holidays and another cycle approaching, I knew now was the time to pick the search back up as I’d been growing increasingly snappy.
So a couple weeks ago I went to my first session with the new therapist. Yesterday I had another session with her. 2 sessions in and I do think this one may finally work out. She’s already pinpointed a couple of my issues, and doesn’t let me use humor to scapegoat out of sitting with my feelings. She’s also reminded me that just because I might know about my issues, and some of why they are there, it doesn’t mean I need therapy any less. That even therapists have therapists. Knowing your issues and being able to manage them are separate things.
The thing she first picked out though, was something I didn’t really understand or acknowledge. My mind has used the idea of “being strong” to become a crutch to hide behind. I have always had to be strong for those around me, which has made my method of coping with everything to hide my feelings. Stamp them down, box them up, save them for later. Which has lead me to a point now where I don’t really know how to work through my feelings. My go to emotion is anger, because anger is powerful and forceful and strong. Anything else is just seen as weak. None of which is healthy.
Now comes the hard part though, figuring out how to retrain my thought process, and allowing myself to be sad, upset, frustrated, and not just angry and viewing everything outside of anger as weak. I don’t think that of others when they express those emotions, so why isn’t it okay for me to feel that way. Retraining 20 years of emotion processing. This is going to take a while.
This is a hard post for me to write, but an important one. Throughout all this, I have to remind myself of what I have. How far I have come. How thankful I am for everything I do have.
So what am I thankful for?
First, I am thankful for my amazing husband. He’s supportive, funny and kind. He makes me a better person and I would be lost without his love and support.
I’m thankful for my friends. Without them, I wouldn’t have the outside support I need while dealing with everything. They act as a support and an escape, whatever I need and they are invaluable.
I’m thankful for WordPress. WP has helped me make the amazing friends I have. A community I feel welcomed in. The ability to have a career without a college education. Without WP I’d still be a slave in the retail customer service cog, and I’m forever grateful to be out of that.
I am also thankful for RESOLVE. Having the ability to find a support group to help manage the emotional aspect of this disease, and get involved in affecting real change has been an invaluable asset for me. It’s given me some level of control in a situation I have no control over.
This Thanksgiving season, what are you thankful for?
One thing you hear when you are in the trenches of infertility and trying to conceive is people suggesting you should “just adopt”. At this point, I think the majority of people say it because they don’t want to hear about your painful situation. They have no idea what they are saying. Truth is though, people need to be educated. They need to know why adoption is not a cure for infertility, and why suggesting it is is hurtful.
Adoption is a beautiful option for family building. It is, however, not a cure for infertility. It is also not something that is easy, or can happen without care. It is also not only the calling of infertile’s to adopt. Anyone can do so.
So, what do I mean by there being no “just” to adopting?
Telling someone to “just” adopt negates the real difficulties that adoption entails. And I’m not just talking financial difficulties. Deciding to adopt is a serious decision. With adoption you have to open your home, finances, and relationship up to intense scrutiny. You have to be prepared to help your child(ren) deal with the loss that comes with adoption. You need to prepare for the possibility of a failed match. You must be ready for the unknown and the loss of control that comes with it.
There are so many steps in the adoption process, no matter the type of adoption. People suggesting adoption as an easy solution for infertility or childlessness demonstrate a lack of knowledge of the process of adoption. The cavalier nature of ‘Just Adopt’ downplays the difficulties and serious thought that occurs before making the choice. It also downplays the dynamics that surround adoption- possible health concerns, racial ugliness, and the future feelings of the adoptee .
Believe me- we know the ability to adopt exists. For every couple struggling with infertility, I am sure it has been discussed, even when it is not a couples’ current path. Respect adoption and the people who choose to build their families through it. Stop suggesting it as a cure for a disease. Even if the couple you are proposing it to end up adopting, it will not have cured their infertility.
As some of you may remember, I blogged about having my tattoo covered up a few weeks ago. I had my next appointment for the shading and coloring on September 22nd. It has now fully healed and I want to share it with everyone! Without further ado, the final product:
I had the tattoo done by Wendi Koontz at South Water Studios in Kent, Ohio. I think I may expand it into a half sleeve over time, adding some woodland creatures around it. I am beyond thrilled with how it turned out though and it has definitely given me the urge to get more work done. I have a ton of ideas, now to see them done!