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It’s done. I am no longer pregnant. And I don’t know when I will be again.

On Friday, I had 2 appointments. First with my RE at 9 am for another HCG, ultrasound, and an endometrial biopsy. Then at 2 with an OB about a probable ectopic.

Bill took the day off work to drive me around due to the biopsy. I went to my RE appointment in the morning, had my blood draw, then my ultrasound, and then the biopsy. I read online about the biopsy, as I wanted to know pain wise where it would fall. I read in several places where it was like a bad menstrual cramp. Well, let me tell you, they are full of fucking shit. That biopsy was without a doubt among the top most painful things I have ever had done to me. It took everything in my power not to thrust off of the table while he was doing it, and I just about started to cry.

I then had to wait out for my biopsy results and blood test to see if my HCG was falling. Finally got the results back about everything around noon and my HCG had risen to 365. The biopsy came back as negative for a pregnancy.

So my RE went over my options. At this point he was basically certain I had an ectopic we just couldn’t see. He said my options were going to be the shot, or to have a lap and a D&C and also have the cyst drained. He told me my best option was going to be the surgery and I agreed with him.

Went to the OB for another opinion, and he agreed with what my RE thought.

The OB also happened to be the doctor on call at Akron General that night, so he was the one who performed my operation. I arrived at the hospital around 4, got registered and checked in and taken back to outpatient surgery. Bill got to sit with me until I was wheeled back to the operating room. Not going to lie, I mostly sat and cried. The OB was fairly certain I would lose my right ovary due to the size of the cyst, and that terrified me.

I finally got wheeled back to the surgery room around 6:15 and cried the entire time I was back there until they put me out.

Woke up around 9 pm-ish? and I was in SO MUCH PAIN. After 2 more doses of painkillers  and a rectal anti nausea med, I was pushed into my clothes and wheeled out the door with instructions to make a follow up appointment with my OB in 2-3 weeks.

I ended up having a D&C with the materials from that sent for lab work. I then had laparoscopy  where they found an ectopic pregnancy in my mangled left fallopian tube. The tube was so damaged from endometriosis and scarring, that they removed the entire thing. They were able to save my right ovary though. He drained and excised the cyst and sent it for lab work as well.

So, now I’m home. No longer pregnant and having to wait until my follow up appointment on the 30th to find out exactly what happened and what the OB found. He did speak with my RE, and my RE said I need to start to seriously consider IVF, as it sounds like I have pretty extensive endometriosis in my abdomen, with a lot of scar tissue.

So, no idea where I’m going from here. But I guess the bonus is knowing for sure what is wrong now. I’m just curious to know how bad it was on my right side, and/or if it could potentially be fixable through another laparoscopy.

As far as how I feel? I’m feeling pretty much like shit. I’ve had a couple of episodes with the shoulder and upper back pain from the gas from the lap, but my lower abdomen hurts more then anything else, and the vicoden they gave me for it barely does anything to help. So we’ll see. I’m going back to work on Tuesday, so I am hoping I feel better by then. Fingers crossed?

I had my follow up on Thursday moved up to today when I called and told them I had started cramping and bleeding. Went in today for yet another ultrasound (That’s 7 transvaginal ultrasounds in 9 days time) and blood draw (26 vials at this point? I’m losing count). Told my RE that my bleeding was very light still. Get my blood draw, then go in for the ultrasound. During the ultrasound TMI I actually started to bleed for real. Like, it was bad, and it still is bad :(.

RE says it should be a good sign, and that in 30 years he’s never seen an ectopic with this much bleeding. So he expects my bloodwork to come back at about 150.

Call back after 2, and my HCG is 324. No. I shit you not. It went back up. So have to go in immediately tomorrow for another draw, another ultrasound, and probably an endometrial biopsy. I then also have to go to an OB/GYN appointment at 2 for a suspected ectopic.

Like, it’s bad enough I’m losing this baby after trying for so long, but the fact that it just won’t end, and that this could potentially hurt my fertility and/or kill me is getting really fucking scary at this point.

I just feel lost :(. All I wanted was a baby, something I should be able to do without this much fucking struggle.

This past week has fluctuated between terrible, to joyous, to horrific, all in a few days time. Last Monday I had a follow up consultation to start working on getting pregnant with my RE. I quit smoking, had all of the meds out of my system from quitting (Chantix + Wellbutrin), had my HSG, had been on my vitamins for a few months, everything he wanted from me before we really started to work on it. The only thing left to do was for Bill to drop off his semen analysis.

So I go to the appointment, and towards the end I mentioned some symptoms I’d had over the past week. He wants  an ultrasound, so off I go. During the ultrasound he finds a baseball sized cyst on my right ovary. Which, obviously concerns him as that is abnormal. The only good thing it has going for it is that it is fluid filled and it wasn’t there 3 months ago, so he doubts it is cancerous. He does want me to get on the pill for a month though to try and force it down. So he writes me a scrip and tells me when my period starts to start the pill (which my period was due that day). Then he takes blood, just to make sure I’m not pregnant.

As it turns out, I got to tear up the birth control prescription. Last Monday, we found out after 5 years of trying, 7 years in my life of trying, I had a positive pregnancy test. I get ordered to go back for a repeat draw on Friday to make sure my numbers are going up appropriately and thats it. Get super excited, and anxiously wait for Friday.

Friday rolls around, I go in, call back for my results, and my HCG had only risen 20%. Ideally your HCG will double itself every 48 to 72 hours, but at a minimum they want to see a 60% increase. I get warned I will probably miscarry, what symptoms to watch for, and to come back on Monday for another draw.

Friday night, my right side starts to hurt so bad I think the damned cyst is rupturing so I go to the hospital. Turns out the cyst is okay, just gaining in size, but my HCG levels have dropped significantly since earlier in the day. At this point, it’s basically certain I will miscarry. So they send me home to wait it out.

Monday (yesterday) I go in for my next follow up and blood draw. Mind you, at this point I spent basically my whole weekend in bed crying to myself, I have blown veins in both of my arms, and I’ve had more transvaginal ultrasounds over the past week, than any woman should ever have. I actually had Bill take off work and come with me for this appointment, because I know I am just mentally not okay, and I don’t want to miss anything he tells me.

Go in, get yet another ultrasound, and another 8 vials of blood drawn to check my HCG levels and to run some tests to see if we can find out why I’m miscarrying. My RE at this point thinks I have an ectopic, as I should have started bleeding over the weekend with such a sharp drop in my levels. Nothing is showing on the ultrasound though, except the stupid cyst has now swelled to the size of a softball (hence the pain over the weekend most likely). Call back for blood results in the afternoon, and it’s gone up from the hospital test, and down only a smidge from the results on Friday morning. So my HCG levels over the past week have been:

• Monday 5/6 – 223
• Friday 5/10 – 320
• Friday night 5/10-11 – 237
• Monday 5/14 – 309

So, queue me freaking out. The cyst is on the right side, which indicates some possible abnormalities with the ovary on that side. I ovulated for this pregnancy from my left, so if it was ectopic, it would most likely be in my left tube. Which is my “healthy” side.

Thankfully, later yesterday evening I started cramping and then bleeding. I never thought I would be so happy to have a natural miscarriage, but I am. The other option was on Thursday having another blood draw and my RE probably ordering me a shot of methotrexate to try and stop the ectopic and induce a miscarriage. The biggest downside with that being I’d have to wait 3 months at a minimum to do anything, and I’d have to avoid all folic acid until my HCG levels dropped back down to 0.

So, thats where I am. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’m home from work today, as I’m in too much pain to even attempt to go in.

I’m trying to hold on to the positive. This means I can get pregnant. Which puts me light years ahead of where I am in my treatment plan a week ago. A week ago, I didn’t even think I could get pregnant, because I never had before. Now we know I can. So now it will hopefully just be getting the right cocktail for my ovaries and all will be well.

The other positive, the cyst is probably growing in response to the pregnancy hormones, so my RE thinks once those are gone, it should shrink on it’s own.

And lastly, because I am miscarrying naturally, I can try again sooner (hopefully).

Of course, I am gutted that I finally achieve the one thing I have wanted more then anything in the entire world for the last 3 years, and I don’t even have it for a week. I’m also scared that this was just some sort of fluke, and it will take another 5 years to get pregnant again. 5 years I just don’t have.

But, I know it’s pointless to think like that. It doesn’t help anything. That I did it once, I will do it again, and I just have to try and be as positive as I can. It’s just hard right now. But I know it will get better.

What’s that above? That is what I believe to be the day I created my gmail account. It has served me for many good years, but I am currently in the process of switching to outlook.com for my email services going forward. I’m using this guide to switch from Gmail to Outlook.com. Granted, I’m not going whole hog, I am sending and receiving from my gmail address in Outlook, but I may eventually cut it off completely.

What caused this?

Well, first of all, I have 2 cell phone’s. Both of which are Windows Phones. One is for work, and one is personal. I really REALLY love Windows Phone, but like an Android phone, you create a Microsoft account (Google for Android) to sync things to. I can sync my Google stuff into it as well using some app’s (at least I can currently, rumor has it calendar API access like that is on the cutting block as well), but it can sometimes be spotty at best (I remember having some issues as well with my iPhone and getting my google calendar to sync properly as well).

Secondly, outlook.com just looks better. I have an extended SkyDrive account, which I can sync both my work and personal documents to so I can access them anywhere, and yeah. I just really REALLY like the entire implementation.

Lastly, I’m sick of having my stuff split between Google and Microsoft. Calendar is on Google, Documents are on Microsoft, Email is on Google, but Contacts are on Microsoft.

So, I’m in the middle of switching. And you know what happens when you import your email from the past 9 years into a new account? This:

Crazy, right? I have a feeling I am going to be having a very loooooooong weekend of sorting ahead of me.

So, my skin has started to suck. Not sure if it’s an aging thing, the weather, or a combination of both. But I’m having issues I’ve never dealt with before. Forehead wrinkles, under eye circles, blotchiness, and break outs are things I have battled off and on since I hit my 20′s. My newest issue though is that my T zone has become so dry it was scaling. Specifically my forehead in between my eyes, and the creases of my nose.

I had a breakdown over it today and spent my lunchtime researching remedies. My breaking point was when I was sitting in my office, and I scratched my forehead and my SKIN WAS FLAKING OFF. I don’t care who you are, that is so not OK.

So I start searching. I checked pinterest and found a couple links to using olive oil to moisturize and cleanse makeup off. Started link hopping across YouTube and came across this video:

I decided it was perfect. I’m on a bit of a budget this week, so I needed to keep it cheap, plus I don’t know if this will be an ongoing issue, so a quick fix without a money dump is great. Best part was that it’s made with things I have at home in my kitchen. So if it sucks, no real loss!

I get home, run to my kitchen and whip up the concoction. All it takes is:

• 3 tablespoons Extra Virgin Olive Oil
• 2 tablespoons Honey
• 1/2 cup Sugar

Mixed it together and quickly ran upstairs to hopefully get rid of my flakes.

And…

It works. Not only does it work, but my skin feels downright amazing. I’ll probably do it once more in a few days, and then once a week. I mean, you can’t beat a cheap homemade scrub that works!