I have this really terrible habit of getting tunnel vision. I focus so strongly on the things I am doing, to the detriment of everything else around me. Part of it is definitely due to my addictive personality, another is my need to be in control of things. As time goes on, I am starting to notice that my lack of control in some aspects of my life are causing me to put a death grip on other things.
I never used to be so controlling and it’s frustrating and scary. I have this constant need to be busy and doing something or going somewhere or, just ANYTHING. I have to go and do and be. I have to control the minutiae in day to day, but can’t make any concrete decisions. If you ask me what I want for dinner I will stare blankly at you and tell you I don’t know. But if you reorganize the stuff on my desk your head will roll. And don’t even try suggesting somewhere to go, as I certainly won’t want to eat that.
It’s becoming really frustrating when I sit down and recognize what I’m doing. The issue is that I typically don’t recognize what I’m doing. I’m just blindly keeping busy. But why? WHY? Because the one thing I can control in my life right now is what I am doing at any moment.
I need to start making a cognizant try at correcting this behavior and/or harnessing this behavior for the good. Making good habits. Stop eating like shit. Go back to the gym. Attend yoga. Spend less money. Buy less shit. One can try at least, right?