Everything is just a blur anymore. Saying time seems to speed up as you age is an understatement. It flies by at light speed. Next time I look it will be 2018. Am I really 31? Is my 4 year wedding anniversary really coming up? Is Kali really 8 years old? Have I really been blogging for 12 years?
I’m dealing with a lot right now. Some are things I could probably use to blog about,
but just can’t find the time to (that’s a lie, I could, I’d just rather bury my head in the sand and clean or watch tv, heh).
I internalize things way to much. But for some reason, I just can’t open up anymore. It isn’t even out of fear. I think it has more to do with the fact that I find next to no one I can relate to. It’s sort of an epiphany moment for me in realizing that my issue in opening up and blogging now doesn’t stem from fear, or even laziness. No one relates, and ignorant comments only piss me off. I’m already pissed off enough, so I don’t need more antagonizing.
But… maybe I do. It isn’t so much that no one relates, it’s just that I don’t share. So maybe it does roll back to fear. Honestly, at this point I don’t even know. I don’t know which emotions are me being irrational and which emotions are legitimate sometimes. That happens when you have a constant internal struggle with yourself.
I feel bitter, jaded, angry, and jealous. It is a constant, every day state of being. It’s something I am thinking I will actually need to seek counseling for at some point, because I have a hard time talking myself down from it. It alienates me from almost every single one of my peers. It makes getting online nothing but painful, and that is just the start of it.
Of course, this might just pass. It has in the past. I think it’s just being exacerbated by everything else going on right now. We’ll see, I guess.