One thing that has come about with my infertility is a realization that I am a control freak. This was a surprise to me given the fact that most people that know me would describe me as fairly easy going.
I wrongly had this idea in my mind of someone that likes to control things as someone who is high strung, nagging, yelling, always organizing, etc. Basically every bad trait the media portrays as being the signs of being a control freak.
But I am a control freak. I’m just a control freak about my body and my surroundings. I seem totally laid back as long as I have a sense of control (IE: I can leave when I want, I can take medication to fix something, I can work harder). If you take that control away I become a depressed, ruminating train-wreck of anxiety.
I’m sure this is brought on by numerous things, not the least of which is the very idea that if you work hard you can do anything. Reality is a cruel task master and it likes to remind us sometimes that that is a lie. There are certain things in life that are outside of our control. Some people can cope with that notion.
And that has been a large part of my issues surrounding my infertility. My inability to give up control over what is happening to me. My body is failing me in a big way and there is not a single thing I can do about that. All the thinking and hoping in the world will not change the fact that I will never make love to my husband and create a child. Something so seemingly basic and primal, something the majority of the population takes for granted. Something the majority of us are programmed to do, I simply can’t do.
So while dealing with the monthly grief that comes every time my body fails, I also have to come to terms with the lie that if you work hard you can get anything you want. That I simply cannot control this situation, and that is okay.
And therein lies the problem. How do I stop a thought pattern that has done me well in every other part of my life? I wouldn’t be where I am currently if I hadn’t changed my way of thinking. Of banking on the notion that I am in control of my life and that if I work hard I can change it. It’s worked until now. It’s gotten me a better life partner, job, home, circle of friends, everything. Now there is this one last, most important thing and that line of thinking does nothing but make it harder.
And that’s where I am currently failing. I have to change the way I view my ability to have a family, without hurting the way I view everything else. And right now, that’s still an impossible task.