Lately I have had fleeting moments of serious loss. They don’t last long, and for that I sometimes feel guilty. But they are there. On my drive home, or when I think about having to go over very soon to pack the house. I shouldn’t feel guilty but I do. Dad meant the entire world to me, but it feels like I have had to deal with so much death already at this point that it is just easier to deal with his loss. I wonder though if I am just being numb to it. Keeping myself busy and distracted, pushing off the possible breakdown I could have.
God knows I have been busy enough between work, Bill, my brother, and everything inbetween. Do I think the breakdown is hiding? Honestly, no. I think I just know how to process the loss because I have lost so much.
What seems to hurt the most is knowing that my Dad would be proud of me right now. The fact that he can’t see the good job I have, or meet the man who is everything he always wanted for me. To know I am taken care of, to walk me down the aisle someday and hug his grandkids. All I have to tell everyone around me are the stories of how awesome he was, and I think my biggest fear is those stories will simply be brushed aside or looked at as a daughter saying how awesome her Dad was. To have them not seen in the light I think they should be. That I’m not just spinning a grand tale, that he was in fact the kindest most intelligent person I knew.
I just don’t know what to think. Or feel about it all sometimes. I know he would be happy for me. Proud even. There is no doubt in my mind. I just wish I could share it with him. I wish I could feel less guilty about not being devastated by his loss. Because the loss of him is the most heartwrenching thing I have ever been through. Just outwardly, I seem and appear much calmer then I think myself or even others thought or think I should be.
It’s a bizarre dance in my thoughts. I’ve never been one to care what others think, and I still don’t. I question my calmness more for myself then for any other reason. I suppose I just don’t understand how I have remained so calm, no matter how grateful I am for it.
I know in large part my current stability is thanks to Bill. It isn’t anything specific he does, just the very fact that he is here for me, no matter what. The fact that he compliments me in every way. He truly is amazing, and if there is any sort of afterlife, I honestly think my Dad probably had something to do with me finding him. Because he is everything my Dad would want for me, and I have ever wanted. He’s filled such a large void in my heart, made me feel whole again, when I wasn’t sure I would ever feel that way.
Of course, maybe thats why I’m okay in all of this. Because I am still taken care of.