Looking Out Instead of In

tunnel vision

I have this really terrible habit of getting tunnel vision. I focus so strongly on the things I am doing, to the detriment of everything else around me. Part of it is definitely due to my addictive personality, another is my need to be in control of things. As time goes on, I am starting to notice that my lack of control in some aspects of my life are causing me to put a death grip on other things.

I never used to be so controlling and it’s frustrating and scary. I have this constant need to be busy and doing something or going somewhere or, just ANYTHING. I have to go and do and be. I have to control the minutiae in day to day, but can’t make any concrete decisions. If you ask me what I want for dinner I will stare blankly at you and tell you I don’t know. But if you reorganize the stuff on my desk your head will roll. And don’t even try suggesting somewhere to go, as I certainly won’t want to eat that.

It’s becoming really frustrating when I sit down and recognize what I’m doing. The issue is that I typically don’t recognize what I’m doing. I’m just blindly keeping busy. But why? WHY? Because the one thing I can control in my life right now is what I am doing at any moment.

I need to start making a cognizant try at correcting this behavior and/or harnessing this behavior for the good. Making good habits. Stop eating like shit. Go back to the gym. Attend yoga. Spend less money. Buy less shit. One can try at least, right?

Glutton for Punishment

The last 2 months have been nothing but a blur for me. First was Infertility Advocacy Day, then  WordCamp Northeast Ohio, and lastly, just to punish myself some, I started a new job in April. I’ve done a lot of things over the past couple of months and I haven’t written about them. I might get to it.

One thing I’ve noticed though is that I seem to be a glutton for punishment of some sort. I have to constantly be going and doing something or I feel like I am wasting my time. Yet, when I pause and looks around I always feel like I’m doing nothing and just spinning my wheels and everyone else is so much busier then I am.

And I’m not sure why. I am definitely thinking it is something to be examined though.

Yoga is my BFF

12801092_10156519614140697_369452911248984335_nFor anyone that has talked with or seen me recently, they would know I have a new obsession. For those that don’t, I have a new obsession. Yoga.

I finally broke down after having my regular doctor, my psychiatrist, and my reproductive endocrinologist all suggest I try yoga. I signed up for a beginners workshop, as I’d tried the at home videos in the past and not enjoyed it.

Turns out being in a supportive studio is what I needed. After the beginners workshop I signed on for the annual pass and have been trying to attend a minimum of 3-4 classes a week.

I’ve also noticed a huge boost to not only my mental well-being, but my physical well-being as well. I haven’t lost any weight from it, but I have gained the obvious flexibility. On top of that though I’ve also noticed that my resting pulse rate has dropped to an average of 72, compared to an average of 84 before I started yoga.

The mental health part is no joke though. I feel significantly less stressed, and my anxiety has been easy to control. Bill also noticed during my last retrieval that my overall mood was completely different from the first time. I’m sure part of that was being proactive and going back to counseling and back on an antidepressant, but I also know a part of it is the yoga. I feel a difference in my entire frame of mind if I go too long between classes.

I definitely recommend anyone that has stress, anxiety, and/or depression to give it a try. Find a supportive studio that has yogi’s that really make it work for you, and you’ll be surprised how addicted you’ll get!

Finding a Therapist… Again

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I’ve recently gone back to finding a therapist. It’s not necessarily the thing one should stop doing when dealing with major depressive disorder, but a person can only take the frustration of finding the right therapist for so long before they give up for a while. With the holidays and another cycle approaching, I knew now was the time to pick the search back up as I’d been growing increasingly snappy.

So a couple weeks ago I went to my first session with the new therapist. Yesterday I had another session with her. 2 sessions in and I do think this one may finally work out. She’s already pinpointed a couple of my issues, and doesn’t let me use humor to scapegoat out of sitting with my feelings. She’s also reminded me that just because I might know about my issues, and some of why they are there, it doesn’t mean I need therapy any less. That even therapists have therapists. Knowing your issues and being able to manage them are separate things.

The thing she first picked out though, was something I didn’t really understand or acknowledge. My mind has used the idea of “being strong” to become a crutch to hide behind. I have always had to be strong for those around me, which has made my method of coping with everything to hide my feelings. Stamp them down, box them up, save them for later. Which has lead me to a point now where I don’t really know how to work through my feelings. My go to emotion is anger, because anger is powerful and forceful and strong. Anything else is just seen as weak. None of which is healthy.

Now comes the hard part though, figuring out how to retrain my thought process, and allowing myself to be sad, upset, frustrated, and not just angry and viewing everything outside of anger as weak. I don’t think that of others when they express those emotions, so why isn’t it okay for me to feel that way. Retraining 20 years of emotion processing. This is going to take a while.

Pixie!

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Gina: Well “Sinead O’Rebellion.” Shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior.

Debra: God, that is so clever. I swear you get smarter the shorter your skirt gets.

Gina: And you get smarter the shorter your hair gets, so it’s probably a good thing you went with that. It’s a wonderful look for you darling.


I did a thing. I chopped all my hair off.

It started a couple weeks ago when I scheduled a cut and color. I always think I want to grow my hair out, my hair reaches a bit past my shoulders and by then I am just so over it.

I decided I was also against spending an hour getting ready for work every morning.

So I consulted my husband, and verified with my BIL I could pull it off and chopped it all off.

Without further ado…

Before

Before

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After

Tattoo Coverup – Final Reveal

As some of you may remember, I blogged about having my tattoo covered up a few weeks ago. I had my next appointment for the shading and coloring on September 22nd. It has now fully healed and I want to share it with everyone! Without further ado, the final product:

Freshly done and still covered up the night of.

Freshly done and still covered up the night of.

The night it was done.

The night it was done.

Few days later, mostly healed.

Few days later, mostly healed.

Fully healed, taken 10/20

Fully healed, taken 10/20

I had the tattoo done by Wendi Koontz at South Water Studios in Kent, Ohio. I think I may expand it into a half sleeve over time, adding some woodland creatures around it. I am beyond thrilled with how it turned out though and it has definitely given me the urge to get more work done. I have a ton of ideas, now to see them done!

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