That’s the operative word on repeat in my brain recently. Not only am I doing IVF, but I’m doing a retrieval for a second time. How did I even get here? Why is this so hard? If these embryo’s don’t work out, what then? I can’t wait another year to try again. My girl parts are a ticking time bomb. Right now risking cancer to achieve pregnancy is okay, because the tumors are slow growing, but the longer I put it off, the more likely it will be I will develop ovarian cancer. At some point I will have to give up the dream.
I know these aren’t the thoughts I should be having just a few short days before I pump myself full of hormones for a second time. But it really hit me today. I’m ready to go, waiting to schedule my baseline appointment. I can take the physical pain, that’s nothing. All the needle sticks, blood draws, and trans-vaginal ultrasounds, those are nothing compared to the downright fear that this will all just fail again. That my body just will not cooperate. That I will be let down again, like I have been on so many other occasions in my life. I’ve mostly stopped setting far-fetched goals, but I never thought or dreamed that experiencing pregnancy and building my very own family would be so hard. I’ve been robbed of so much, I really just want this one thing to work. I want to build my family, in the way I’d hoped. That shouldn’t be too much to ask.
All I can say is I hope this is the last retrieval. I hope something finally gives for me.