Recently, life having been on hold for several years has really started to get to me. It’s one of the hidden issues for those of us suffering from infertility. Waiting for coverage to see an RE. Waiting for treatment cycles. Waiting to recover from pregnancy loss and surgery. Waiting to afford IVF. It never seems to end.
I went against the grain in getting a new job in the hopes that it would break the pent up feelings I have. It hasn’t worked. Here’s the thing. Every single thing I do, or we do as a couple right now, has to be weighed against IVF.
We’d like to buy a house, but we can’t. The down payment for that would pay for IVF.
We need a second car, but we can’t. The payment for that is a chunk of money not going to IVF.
We HAD to buy a stove, seeing as we didn’t have one. I still feel guilty, that is $450 not paying for IVF.
I don’t buy any clothes because I hope to be pregnant and what a waste that would be.
And on and on.
It’s just a constant struggle. Everything comes to a screeching halt, waiting to maybe have enough to pay for a medical procedure. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that the $200 something I pay a month in insurance premiums would help pay for my IVF.
Hell, my insurance could have paid for almost 2 IVF’s paying for the psychiatric treatment I have needed resulting from my infertility.
And while I sit here waiting? The endometriosis and my aging keep pushing the likelihood that I will succeed further and further away.