Just over a week since my surgery and I am physically about 95%. The spotting from the D&C had stopped by the 2nd day, the bruising is starting to fade around my incisions, the glue closing them is starting to peel off, the random bouts of pain from the gas, and the cramping is all dying down. Physically I feel pretty good. I no longer feel pregnant. My breasts don’t hurt anymore, the bloating is gone (my pants fit again!), and my skin is back to normal.
Mentally I am battered and trying to process everything. Before things got out of control I made an appointment with my regular doctor. I wanted him to know what happened and to prescribe me something for the anxiety/panic and depression so I didn’t do something stupid like start smoking again. So he gave me a scrip for Zoloft and Ativan. The Zoloft is for daily use, the Ativan as needed for panic and to sleep.
I’m doing okay. I’m sad. But I’m not as sad today as I was yesterday, or the day before that. It’s just hard to process.
The nurses called from my OB with my lab results on Thursday. The cyst was benign and the tube they removed was positive for an ectopic pregnancy. I wanted to say “No shit?! Can you tell me something useful?”. All I did was say okay and hang up. I’ve found it’s pretty much pointless to try and get answers over the phone and I’m just trying to remember to write down every question I want an answer to for my follow up appointment on the 30th.
I then have a follow up with my RE on the 3rd.
I want to know what the game plan is. I want to beat the fear and dread I have that I tried to get pregnant for 5 years, for my only chance to end in an ectopic at 5 and a half weeks.
I need to know for sure if we can try naturally using the right side, or if we need to live like paupers for the next year and beg everyone we know to help so we can afford IVF. And if my only choice is IVF, I need an absolute cost breakdown.
I just have to remember the good things. After 5 years of nothing, not only did I get pregnant, I did it on my own. This means I can in fact get pregnant. That puts us a lot further then we were before.
Now it’s just having a good plan and hopefully things will fall into place. I just hope they do quickly, to fill the hole I have in my heart right now.