Jealousy has become a constant companion in my life. Not a desired companion by any stretch. It is, however, always close at hand. It’s a knee-jerk, gut reaction to seeing everyone around me moving into the next phase of life and passing me by.
Overall it’s a highly unpleasant place to be.
One thing I would like to make clear to outsiders however, is that it isn’t about you. I can be simultaneously happy for you, while also jealous and inconsolably sad for me.
I know a lot of people want to make this better. That they don’t wish to hurt me. But there isn’t anything anyone can do.
I guess I could bottle the emotions up, I tend to do that without thinking anymore, but that isn’t healthy.
Reality is, I am jealous.
The definition of jealous is:
feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages
I envy the ability to have sex and become pregnant. I envy treatments that works. I envy the very idea of being pregnant. I envy people who have babies. I envy the idea that you can plan to have any child, let alone more then 1.
I’m not begrudging or resentful in my envy, I just desire the same for myself.
I need to stop letting it be a dirty word/idea.
It is simply truth. This is how I feel. I have to stop being ashamed of how I feel or made to feel shame over it. It is what it is. Maybe someday I will be able to let it go, but today is not that day.