With all the craziness that’s been going on lately, I haven’t had too much time to myself, or to write, take pictures, or even sleep. Which while it isn’t necessarily a terrible thing, it is starting to wear me thin. Over the past month I have quit smoking, actively worked on wedding planning, been to a funeral, pushed myself harder at work, and supported and helped Bill in finding work.
It’s been pretty crazy. But everything is slowly coming together. I feel like I am busting at the seams sometimes though. The quitting went fine. Work is fine. Helping Bill find a job is fine.
It’s the wedding planning. And not for the obvious reasons. We’re keeping everything very very simple, casual, and relaxed. The planning has become such a burden on me because at every moment I am doing it I am constantly reminded that neither my Mom, or my Aunt who was there for me as a Mom after my Mom died are there for me. I have no woman in my life to turn to that’s knows what to do for a wedding. No woman who could impart her knowledge of being married for 20+ years to me. While outside women can do it, it isn’t the same.
I haven’t even tried on a wedding dress yet because the thought of standing in a wedding store surrounded by other bride-to-be’s and their mothers makes me want to crawl into a corner and cry out of jealousy.
It all brings about a jealousy in me, that is so deep seated it almost terrifies me. It aches to feel it. It’s a sensation that is so rarely stoked for me anymore, that I had almost forgotten how much the heat of that fire burns.
But burn it does.
So it’s hard. On top of the extreme irritability of quitting smoking, I am trying to keep my cool emotionally, to not let my jealousy at something out of my control take control of me.
This week though I reached a boiling point with it. The money I had counted on for paying the wedding costs with was delayed. Until September. Much too late to be paying for the wedding with. So it looked as though the perfect planning I had pushed myself through might all be for nothing. Bill and I think quickly on what we can do to avoid canceling the wedding and we hit an idea.
I have a (albeit luckily) paid off investment sitting in the driveway in the shape of a 4 door sport sedan. I also now live in a house, on an uphill street, that gets covered in snow and not salted, with 3 dogs that range from 35 pounds to 90 pounds each. Bill has also gotten a job, that is also 20 minutes from home that requires him to not only get his license, but be at work at 5:30 in the morning. I don’t have to be at work until 10 am if I want. We are a one car family at current standing.
So the idea hit us. We can trade down my car. I can get an SUV that will hold dogs, and children, and be all wheel drive. We can also afford a very cheap car for Bill, and get a bit of money back to pay for the wedding.
So this week has been and will continue to be crazy. I found a Kiwi Mettallic 2006 Honda Element EX-P that I test drove yesterday and fell madly in love with. We’re going today after I get off work to the dealership to have them look at my car and see what the offer is. So with any luck I will have a new to me car, a paid off wedding with every extra trimming I personally wanted, with enough to get Bill a decent car (he wants a Saturn Vue which we could afford) and insurance.
So, fingers crossed here and everything will fall perfectly in place with any luck.