So it comes as no surprise to any of my dear readers to know I am infertile. Until recently most have seen comments from me about it in passing, or even read a forum comment from me discussing it. Its never been something I screamed out loud, but also not something I hid away from view like the majority of infertiles.
Since the ectopic fiasco though it is no longer something I can just bide my time with. Prior to the ectopic it felt easier to deal with.
In 7 total years of trying I had never been pregnant. Not even a hint. It was easier to deal with when I thought it was just completely impossible for me to be pregnant.
Was I still depressed? You betcha. But it didn’t disrupt my daily life.
Now, that has all changed. Right now it is a struggle for me to get out of bed every morning. I constantly think about how I should be pregnant, and now I am not only not pregnant, but even more defective than I was before. I try to remind myself that even though it was outpatient, my surgery literally saved my life. That there was a very real possibility that the baby I would do anything to still be carrying would have killed me. But it isn’t enough.
So instead I now obsess. And get depressed, and cry, then get angry. Rinse and repeat that cycle. I internalize and smile and say thank you to people who mean well, but say the wrong things. I weigh my options and then cry. Studies have shown that the level of depression someone that is infertile goes through is comparable to someone with cancer, I have to say I can believe that.
I want more then anything in this world to be pregnant and have a child that is 100% mine. It isn’t even a need to be biologically connected. I want to have a child that will not cost me $15,000-45,000, that I will not also have to share with someone, or have to explain that I don’t know their personal background to.
These are the things people don’t understand. No one ever asks people with children why they had children. But if you don’t have children you get grilled. So you open up and explain you are infertile and the onslaught commences.
“Why don’t you do IVF”
“Why don’t you adopt”
“Why don’t you foster”
All great options. A couple of those options we also want to pursue, given we want more then 1 child. But each of those come with their own issues.
IVF – I would love to. I could be doing it right now. Except I don’t have any medical coverage for it. Despite the fact that I have no control over my infertility, I receive 0 help for it. But if I wanted to smoke and get lung cancer, or eat myself into another 100 lbs, I could get treatment for both of those conditions that were 100% within my control and will cost 10x more for them to manage.
Adoption – Contrary to popular belief, there are not thousands of free children up for adoption. Adoption is very, VERY expensive. Nevermind the fact that it doesn’t cure my biological desire to be pregnant and give birth. Add into that the fact that if I don’t want to wait several years, I have to be willing to share the upbringing of my child with the bio parent.
Fostering – An avenue we are very interested in. However, we want to do it in conjunction with having our own child as well. The vast majority of foster children are placed with the hope for reunification. Meaning I will not get to keep those children. This means I do not think it would be a wise decision for us to venture solely into fostering. I do not think I could deal with the heartbreak of losing child after child, without at least the small comfort of knowing 1 child will be able to stay with me forever.
So now I am simply left to wonder and try to make a decision. The fact that how I get to build my family will come down to how much $$$ I can save is not something the vast majority of people can understand, and it isn’t something I would wish on my worst enemy. I just wish I could catch a break. I have no immediate family outside of Bill and my brother. You would think I could do this one thing to help fill my life, but alas I get this. And when I look at all the shit I have been handed in life so far, I start to seriously wonder how it is I do get out of bed every morning.