No Lame Excuses

I haven’t blogged in quite a while. Not because I don’t have things going on, but because by the time I get around to it, I just stare at the screen. Part of it also was owning what is going on. For those wondering what I am talking about, I had what was basically a nervous breakdown in September. I actually took 2 and a half weeks off from work unpaid and enrolled myself into an outpatient psychiatric hospitalization program. It took alot for me to own up to what was going on. The reality though was that if I continued in the state I was in, I very well might have killed myself.

Am I better now?

I guess? Maybe? Kind of?

d4d052ad97b3312c6a178241ebd4f539My official diagnosis was major depression. My specific diagnosis is major depression as a result of infertility. My psychiatrist pretty much told me the only way for me to really “get over” my depression is to find a resolution for my infertility. That I have to forgive myself and stop trying to control it. Because I can’t control it. Turns out I am a control freak. Which turns into rumination. Which leads down the path of passive suicidal ideation and loss of all self confidence.

I also found out I am a pro at faking it. That I’ve internalized things so well and for so long, that to the vast majority of those around me, everything really did seem totally okay. Well, it wasn’t okay. I’m a total mess.

The best part of this entire process? My bill. It cost my insurance $16,000.00 for 12 days of intensive, 9 to 4 therapy and counseling. Counseling I need because I suffer from infertility, which my insurance won’t provide coverage for. Cost of IVF? $12,000. Totally makes sense, AMIRIGHT?

 

5 Years Today

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Today is Bill and I’s 5 year coupleversary. Our Wedding anniversary is in 3 days, making it 4 years married. Here’s to many more.

I Am Not Okay

hello-my-name-is-anxietyI put up a good front. I am a fake it till you make it, grab life by the balls and force it type. Its worked for years. Its gotten me to where I am today.

But, recently, I am not okay. I am broken. I am helpless. I am frantic and anxious and moody.

Some of it is the medication.

Some of it is the stress and anxiety compounding things.

Some of it is the reality of my situation…

Dead Grandparents.
Dead Mother.
More Dead Grandparents.
Dead Aunt.
Dead Father.
Dead Baby.

Add in the frustration that just working hard and being the bread winner will not be enough to create a family, and I am at the end of a rope.

I am thankful every day for my husband. He is my everything. My calm in the storm. My rock.

And I appreciate how hard that is for him. I know how hard it is for him to sit and watch me break and not be able to fix it.

I understand that life isn’t fair. But is there not a point where enough can be enough? Where I get to have a family? Where I no longer have to be completely broken?