Hard Thoughts About My Dad

Bill and I recently got into a pretty lengthy discussion about family dynamics that really got me thinking about my childhood in a more serious light given everything I have experienced up until now. It started based on his recent post: “The Old Flame“. We got into a discussion about the very American ideal that the manual labor generation works hard so that the next generation can go to college for something like engineering which allows the generation after that to attend college for something in the liberal arts.

1461108_568438969899126_1418399799_nI should be the liberal arts generation, or second generation even, but based on choices my Dad made, I am very much back to the manual labor generation. My Dad grew up very white collar, and made the cognitive decision to not work until I was 12 to stay at home with us as kids. But he didn’t actually do anything at home. So my Mom worked full-time at a bank as a word processor while my Dad slept in, fed us, and sort of watched us play outside. He didn’t do chores and he definitely didn’t make us dinner.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my Dad (I was daddies girl growing up). But I’ve really had some hard thoughts about him recently and how he has made my life harder. He chose to drop out of college and get married. He chose to not work. I love who my Dad was as a person, but if I’d been my Mom, I’d have kicked his bum ass to the curb if he didn’t get a job or at least do some housework.

This would have probably been fine anyway, had my Mom not died. My Mom was definitely the driver of the family dynamic and would have kept shit together like she always did. But then my Mom died and my Dad basically died with her.

Now, don’t get me wrong, my Dad busted his ass working 50+ hours a week after my Mom died. But he personally gave up. He went through the motions, but it was just because he had to. He did what he had to do to try and keep a roof over our heads and give us food to eat. Sometimes it wasn’t enough, but the majority of the time it was. Shit was hard. I spent time without a working shower, without heat in the winter, without a toilet that would flush on it’s own, etc. But he always tried.

2652017862_dee40554cc_oBut I’m mad. I made plenty of my own poor choices, but a lot of them I made out of sheer ignorance. I didn’t have a good role model at home, so while I was intelligent, I didn’t have the role model needed to learn the behaviors I should have. I dropped out of high school because I’d rather get high or drunk and ignore the fact that my Dad has given up on life and I have to emotionally prop him up. Why sit in class bored out of my mind, when I can just go hang out and ignore how shit my life is. Once I was 18 I had utilities in my name because my Dad couldn’t have them in his any longer and dammit I don’t want to go through another winter without heat. 

Granted, I have clawed my way out of the poverty hole I was born into, but I’m mad because it didn’t have to be that way. I’m mad that because I didn’t have the role model I needed, I am still paying for having been poor despite having worked my ass off.

And it’s hard to think about my Dad like this because I love him. I know hindsight is 20/20 and it isn’t like he did this on purpose. But it doesn’t aggravate me any less. All I can do at this point is try to learn from his mistakes and keep digging. Eventually I’ll clear the hole I’ve been in, I just want it to be before I’m too old to really enjoy it.

Standing Still

One would think, given the amount of time I have spent in this situation, that being at a standstill would be like second nature to me at this point. But it really doesn’t seem to be the type of thing you grow accustomed to. Frustrated? Angry? Upset? Sad? Yes to all. Familiar? No.

I’m again at the standstill. Surgery is done. Stitches are out. I’m fairly healed and at about 95%. Followup to surgery is this coming week and I am sure I will have my official all clear from my surgeon. And this week my first post-surgery period came. Only 2 days late, because what’s a little abdominal surgery. My body likes to keep to it’s schedules, and will not be delayed.

Except, you know, it won’t do that one thing we’re all supposed to be able to do.

I digress…


I am now back at the point where the only thing stopping IVF #2 from moving forward is finances. I have enough money to pay for the cycle, but not enough money for the medications I need.

So now I wait. And watch my fertility just keep ticking down with each month that passes. At this point it’s already been 10 years, what’s a few more, eh?

Back to Akron

untitledI’m moving this weekend. While I’m not overly thrilled about the area I am moving to, I do have a number of things I am excited about in regards to this move:

  • No more scary landlord.
  • Rent to Own.
  • 100% ours within 5 years.
  • 3 bedroom, 1 full bath, with a front porch, back 2 tier deck, fenced in yard.
  • We can probably buy this house in cash in 3-4 years with the rent savings.
  • We can do whatever we want to it.

There are downsides of course:

  • 100% ours. If something breaks it’s our problem.
  • Not so great area (Kenmore).
  • Neighbors are very close, and kinda trashy.
Our House
The house. “Our House”.

All in all it is going to be a fair trade I think. As far as safety we have the dogs and we have Time Warner installing their top level security package next week. Not much we can do about the neighbors outside of ignoring them. The other plus’s definitely outweigh the drawbacks. The siding is new, as is the roof. Foundation is solid. The majority of the very expensive items about the house are okay (heating, plumbing, electrical).

Next up will be painting and flooring and decorating. I will probably share a lot of that as we go, as we plan to reclaim and build the vast majority of things ourselves. Bill likes to call our home style Steampunk Farmhouse. I think this will be fun. If nothing else, it gives me something to focus on between cycles.

Lap to Square 1

So I finally had my laparoscopy. I had my consult back in February with Dr Falcone, but due to my crazy insane May schedule I pushed off having the surgery until this past Thursday. At my appointment back in February, Dr Falcone did get to look over my previous surgical notes and mentioned to me that the OB that performed my surgery only noted scar tissue in my abdomen. He did not note endometriosis. That OB however had told me at my surgical followup and my RE at the time that I had endometriosis. He also said based on my symptoms he believed I had endometriosis, so having a lap was a good idea for my pain.

cb143be01de7407c6c1a3b80984802daWell, the good news is, I don’t have endometriosis.

The bad news is, I don’t have endometriosis.

During my lap he did find scar tissue throughout my abdomen which he removed and sent to pathology for testing. Given I had never had abdominal surgery before my ectopic we are hoping pathology can shed some light on what might have caused the scarring, which also affected my left tube and caused my ectopic.

As far as my infertility though this dumps me squarely back into “We don’t know” territory. I even got pictures of my healthy ovaries, remaining fallopian tube, and uterus, for all the good it does me.

Now I have to call my RE in New York and give him the news and see where I will go from there. Right now I’m pretty unsure. I’d really hoped I would finally have an answer to not only what is wrong with me, but why I have such intense pain for several days twice a month. But no. I get nothing. Either way I will probably be cycling again come August, but this will probably change up my entire protocol. We’ll see I guess.

Trying Mindfulness


One of the things I was recommended during my extended counseling was to find a counselor and/or pick up some books on mindfulness. It was also something they regularly practiced during group sessions. It is however something I kind of shrugged off and ignored once I left the program, and haven’t worked on since I have yet to find a counselor I like locally.

Recently though I’ve finally admitted to myself that while I don’t often have suicidal ideations any longer, I am constantly on edge and am easy to set off. Of course the person that bears all of this pent up anxiety and anger is my husband. As my husband calls it, I suddenly act like a “normal nagging woman” as opposed to my typical laid back self. So while to outsiders I might be acting like a “normal” person, it is completely out of character for me. And it’s getting to me.

To try and combat this, I recently picked up the book Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. Now I just have to calm the hell down enough to focus, read, and try to practice it.

Does anyone out there have experience or other recommendations for practicing and/or learning about using mindfulness in day to day life?