The Gaping Wound in my Mind


I am starting to feel like IVF is futile.

While I am thankful everyday it exists, I curse the fact that it only exists for those that can afford it.

Digging my way out of poverty just simply isn’t enough.

I wish I could just turn off my desire to have children.

I wish my husband could be enough to fill my heart.

The trauma all of this has caused has turned me into a person I don’t even recognize.

I wish I could just go back, but I know I cannot.

Sick of the desperation.

Tired of the depression.

I need help, and it truly is help that money can buy.


This Is Why I Am A Loud Mouth About IF


I have stopped giving fucks about making someone uncomfortable when it comes to my infertility or infertility in general, and a recent exchange on Twitter only highlights why I have no fucks left to give.

This is the exchange I had early yesterday afternoon:

A friend responded:

Then, that evening I get this:

Mind you, this company is basically another fertilityfriend. They help women track their cycles using a charting app and a basal body thermometer and taking their temperature every morning before they even get out of bed (either orally or vaginally, depending on the thermometer) to help you either avoid conceiving or help you conceive. While I understand the vast majority of women have NO CLUE how our bodies work to conceive, my tweet about IVF says I am beyond that (Given most RE’s won’t see you until you have been TTC for a year or more. And if they don’t know that, just shows ignorance about conception related diseases). All the BBT, apps, ovulation strips, old wives tales in the world aren’t getting me pregnant. While they don’t know the specifics, the fact that I was tweeting about IVF does say I am several steps beyond their app.

I called them out on it, and their apology? They are sorry, that it was unclear that I was in such an advanced state. Yes. Because it isn’t like they recommended BBT to a woman tweeting about researching the cost of a low hormone IVF option.

And this is why I won’t ever shut up. Because there is ignorance everywhere about infertility and procreation. So, sorry not sorry if it makes you uncomfortable.

IVF Update


A quick update on where we are with IVF this year. Puppy sales have gone well. So far we have added $600 to the fund, with another $300-600 coming in. Since the stove purchase, we can now focus 100% on saving towards the cost of meds and the cycle. Insurance from my new job has kicked in, so I will be scheduling the blood work, HSG, and SHG in the weeks to come to get them out of the way. The last niggling thing I have is getting our W2’s sent out to the EMD Serono Compassionate Care program to see if we can get a discount on the stims.

So, as of right now, we are still on target for fall. CNY will be having me do a long lupron cycle, so if I can get my stims covered, that would make it even easier to try September/October. I also want to ask them about Lovenox for my MTHFR. They didn’t seem to think I would need it, but really, with only this one shot I think I would rather be safe than sorry. Considering even scheduling acupuncture before transfer just to make sure all the bases are covered.

So close to no longer being in this horrible limbo. Yet so far at the same time. Trying to stay positive, but it’s next to impossible. Our entire culture revolves around children and family, and it’s hard to stay afloat through that. But I am trying.


1 Year

Today marks one year since my first and only pregnancy. After 5 years of trying, my husband and I had finally spontaneously conceived. All thanks to an HSG, that had opened my scarred shut left tube just enough to let his sperm fertilize my egg and begin the most painful and terrifying 2 weeks of my life. Ending in a laparoscopy where there was a very real chance that I would lose my right ovary, along with my left tube, and the only baby I had ever created.

At the time I had seriously hoped I would be pregnant again by now. Not sure how I had come to that idea, but I had. The fact that I’m not, and that I have 0% chance to conceive on my own is a tough cookie to chew on. Especially when I supposedly live in a mandated state, but my insurance doesn’t cover the IVF I so desperately need to create my family.

To say today is a bad day is putting it mildly. I’m trying to hang in there, put one foot in front of the other and keep going. It’s just hard when I am always surrounded by those with families and smiling babies. I know someday I will be a mother, one way or another. Just hard to focus on that when my house and womb is still empty.

WordCamp North Canton 2014

Today is the kick off day for WordCamp North Canton. This is the 2nd year for the event, and my second year as an organizer. I am beyond excited to be involved in this community and to help spread knowledge. Some snapshots from today so far: