This Is Why It Hurts

f26e0d09c9091e9d43a19917b048bc47So many of the pains of infertility are untouchable to the fertile world. They just simply can’t understand the pain it causes you to try for months on end to only fail. We’re all taught that sex=babies, and when that doesn’t happen, you can’t help but feel broken. But there are alot of other reasons it makes you feel broken.

  • You’re told you don’t know what love is until you have a child.
  • You’re told your marriage isn’t as deep until you have a child.
  • You’re less dependable until you have a child.
  • You’re less of a woman until you have a child.
  • You’re obviously selfish until you have a child.

Then we get things thrown back in our faces like:

  • You don’t understand the stress of children.
  • You don’t know tired until children.
  • You don’t know responsibility until children.
  • You have so much “free time”.

But here’s the thing. An infertile couple? We do know tired. We do know responsibility. Our marriages do become deeper because of the pain we must carry together. And free time? Money? Throw those out the window because we are pumping thousands of dollars a month into the hope of getting a baby.

Do several monthly vaginal ultrasounds at 6 am sound pleasant? What about injecting yourself with massive doses of hormones? What about no sex for 2 weeks because you are using suppositories that make you feel pregnant and you can’t run the risk of interfering with getting pregnant?

You think some of that might make someone tired? Or angry? Imagine feeling pregnant for 2 weeks out of every month only for it to fail miserably and not be true.

Now try doing it in secret because everyone around you thinks it’s okay to ask “How things are going” and give their obviously sage words of advice like “Just relax” or “Trying is the fun part, right”.

Yes. Because my husband jacking off in a cup and me laying naked from the waist down in a doctors office while I am inseminated is definitely my idea of a good time and doesn’t kill the romance at all, right? I forgot to relax for the first 4 years we were trying for a baby, thanks!

And this is all just the tip of the iceberg. I don’t think I could efficiently put into words the pain you go through every single month when your period comes. To know you are basically bleeding away hundreds, if not thousands of dollars and all of your hopes and dreams. It really truly does kill a small part of you everytime it happens. Now imagine sitting at month 84. Welcome to my world.

Good Riddance 2013

Overall, 2013 has been a horrible year, and I’d be lying if I tried to say I’m sad to see it go. This is the year I:

Had to make the decision to surgically remove my only baby from my body, while also losing one of my fallopian tubes.

Endured countless tests only to be told no one knows why I can’t get pregnant after 7 total years trying.

Had a nervous breakdown that forced me to take 2 and a half weeks of unpaid leave from work for intensive counseling.

Then, to cap off this shit year, my cousin dies in a horrific accident on Christmas eve.

So yeah. This year has been shit. Here’s to hoping 2014 is better.

No Lame Excuses

I haven’t blogged in quite a while. Not because I don’t have things going on, but because by the time I get around to it, I just stare at the screen. Part of it also was owning what is going on. For those wondering what I am talking about, I had what was basically a nervous breakdown in September. I actually took 2 and a half weeks off from work unpaid and enrolled myself into an outpatient psychiatric hospitalization program. It took alot for me to own up to what was going on. The reality though was that if I continued in the state I was in, I very well might have killed myself.

Am I better now?

I guess? Maybe? Kind of?

d4d052ad97b3312c6a178241ebd4f539My official diagnosis was major depression. My specific diagnosis is major depression as a result of infertility. My psychiatrist pretty much told me the only way for me to really “get over” my depression is to find a resolution for my infertility. That I have to forgive myself and stop trying to control it. Because I can’t control it. Turns out I am a control freak. Which turns into rumination. Which leads down the path of passive suicidal ideation and loss of all self confidence.

I also found out I am a pro at faking it. That I’ve internalized things so well and for so long, that to the vast majority of those around me, everything really did seem totally okay. Well, it wasn’t okay. I’m a total mess.

The best part of this entire process? My bill. It cost my insurance $16,000.00 for 12 days of intensive, 9 to 4 therapy and counseling. Counseling I need because I suffer from infertility, which my insurance won’t provide coverage for. Cost of IVF? $12,000. Totally makes sense, AMIRIGHT?