5 Years Today


Today is Bill and I’s 5 year coupleversary. Our Wedding anniversary is in 3 days, making it 4 years married. Here’s to many more.

I Am Not Okay

hello-my-name-is-anxietyI put up a good front. I am a fake it till you make it, grab life by the balls and force it type. Its worked for years. Its gotten me to where I am today.

But, recently, I am not okay. I am broken. I am helpless. I am frantic and anxious and moody.

Some of it is the medication.

Some of it is the stress and anxiety compounding things.

Some of it is the reality of my situation…

Dead Grandparents.
Dead Mother.
More Dead Grandparents.
Dead Aunt.
Dead Father.
Dead Baby.

Add in the frustration that just working hard and being the bread winner will not be enough to create a family, and I am at the end of a rope.

I am thankful every day for my husband. He is my everything. My calm in the storm. My rock.

And I appreciate how hard that is for him. I know how hard it is for him to sit and watch me break and not be able to fix it.

I understand that life isn’t fair. But is there not a point where enough can be enough? Where I get to have a family? Where I no longer have to be completely broken?

Breaking Point

199a5016aa06942cd047eeb15cfb04f7I realized a few weeks back that I had reached a breaking point. That my ability to manage my grief and deal with life had reached critical mass. I have seen and felt it coming. The panic attacks, tiredness, lack of excitement around things I used to enjoy.

The difference is I recognized it and acted proactively. Tonight I have my first counseling session. I am hoping *fingers crossed* I have found someone that specifically deals with infertility and pregnancy loss. If not this one though, I will find someone.

Wish me luck.

Finally a Plan

Today was my follow up at Cleveland Clinic. I met with Dr. Goldberg and I now feel a million times better.

I’m mad because I wasted so much time and money at the other office, but I am thankful to have a doctor that listened to me and then gave me a realistic breakdown and a plan.

As of right now, I have about a 2% chance of conceiving naturally with only timed intercourse each month (keep in mind normal fertile couples only have a 20% chance every month). I have officially been placed in the unexplained infertility category.

Which is right where I thought we were.

My plan of action is simple. I have about a 10% chance per month with an IUI with clomid or injectables. Since I ovulate, injectables are pointless for me. So we’re going to be doing 4 IUI’s with clomid over the next 4 months. If those fail we discuss IVF.

So if I am not knocked up by November, we wait a year, saving money like crazy and do IVF. If we get lucky we will only be out $450 times whatever number IUI is successful.

Either way its diagnosis, a plan, and a realistic breakdown of my chances. The one thing I have been looking for this entire time.