I’ve recently gone back to finding a therapist. It’s not necessarily the thing one should stop doing when dealing with major depressive disorder, but a person can only take the frustration of finding the right therapist for so long before they give up for a while. With the holidays and another cycle approaching, I knew now was the time to pick the search back up as I’d been growing increasingly snappy.
So a couple weeks ago I went to my first session with the new therapist. Yesterday I had another session with her. 2 sessions in and I do think this one may finally work out. She’s already pinpointed a couple of my issues, and doesn’t let me use humor to scapegoat out of sitting with my feelings. She’s also reminded me that just because I might know about my issues, and some of why they are there, it doesn’t mean I need therapy any less. That even therapists have therapists. Knowing your issues and being able to manage them are separate things.
The thing she first picked out though, was something I didn’t really understand or acknowledge. My mind has used the idea of “being strong” to become a crutch to hide behind. I have always had to be strong for those around me, which has made my method of coping with everything to hide my feelings. Stamp them down, box them up, save them for later. Which has lead me to a point now where I don’t really know how to work through my feelings. My go to emotion is anger, because anger is powerful and forceful and strong. Anything else is just seen as weak. None of which is healthy.
Now comes the hard part though, figuring out how to retrain my thought process, and allowing myself to be sad, upset, frustrated, and not just angry and viewing everything outside of anger as weak. I don’t think that of others when they express those emotions, so why isn’t it okay for me to feel that way. Retraining 20 years of emotion processing. This is going to take a while.